by
AS
The black vehicle
came to a halt and the engine was immediately silenced. However, for several minutes the driver
remained inside the vehicle. Finally,
the dark-suited figure exited and turned to gaze over a small incline. His eyes were well hidden
by a pair of sunglasses, but the face was drawn, worn out in a way any that
knew him would never have seen before.
His expression did not even begin to match how he felt. He moved woodenly, walking up the incline,
coming to a stop near a fresh mound of dirt.
He stared over it, around it, anywhere but down at it. He did not want to, could
not, admit its existence. To do so would be to concede the emptiness he
felt inside, in his foundation, his very soul.
The pain was still too raw for that – might always be so.
Earlier in the day he had been stiff, formal. His mask had been firmly in place. His pain was too great and his grief too enormous for a
communal show. This loss was life
altering for him. It felt like his soul had been ripped into shreds – not something he could allow a
public display of. But
now, his chin quivered; his throat hurt as he swallowed hard. He
stood there, hands jammed in his pants pockets not acknowledging the tears that
steadily made their way down his cheeks. He was numb and he knew he would never
feel the same again.
********
He sat in a chair out
on the lanai as he watched the tide turn and the sun begin to set in the
sky. He knew he was avoiding his
obligations. Perhaps by not doing what
was expected he could bury the realization that this was not a dream, avoid the
reality for just a while longer. Refuse
to confess to the hurt inside.
So many years had
gone by…so many good men, good friends, had been lost. Why did this one feel so different? Knowing he needed to fulfill his duties, he
remained there and allowed his mind to briefly wander.
‘What about Danny Williams?’
‘A heavy load, Steve.’
‘It’s heavy every day.
But you got carry it for a while, Danno.’
‘Sure. Only don’t
make it too long, huh?’
{episode – ‘Yesterday Died &
Tomorrow Won’t be Born’}
He choked up again,
as he thought of the brightness in those blue eyes that day. Never before had he experienced such an open
display of affection from someone. And affection, dare he say even a
deeper form of love, had been what it was from that point on – no, from
before that. It had not been one sided
either. He could admit that now.
The last couple of
days had been a blur of activity – normal everyday duties and the special
heartbreaking ones. The load was his
alone to bear now. For years he had been able to share it. Strange how it was now so
easy to acknowledge that. He’d grown so accustomed to always being able to just hand
things over. He knew at times he’d never had to ask – help was simply always there just
behind him or standing right next to him without a word. He’d never said
thank you, or even expressed how he felt about any of it even when he’d had
that last chance…
‘There’s so much I never…’
‘No, don’t…’
‘But…’
He stared but saw nothing of what was in front of him as his mind replayed the words they had spoken a few days ago. ‘I have to believe that he really did know,’ he whispered to himself. Then he was startled out of his reverie by the ringing phone.
“Yes…Oh hello…. Fine,
fine………No, I don’t think it would be feasible at the
moment….Yes, I agree. Tomorrow morning
would be much better in a lot of ways…. I will pick you up at your hotel… I
insist…No, now that is not necessary. No it is not something that is expected…Yes – yes, I would
enjoy that. I’ll meet you for
breakfast.”
He hung up the phone
then – partly resigned to and partly dreading the events that were to
come. He knew he should go to bed – try
to rest. Sleep had not been a comfort of
late. His over active mind constantly
replayed the awful events. It wasn’t just at night either.
Unbidden, without warning, the memory would pop into his mind and he
would relive it with all of its intensity and emotion. The nights when he dreamed it were the worst
because it woke him, haunted him not allowing him to go back to sleep. The memory commanded that he prowl his apartment,
usually leading him to his darkened lanai where he sat and waited for the
sunrise. It was where he gravitated now,
sitting in the darkness.
He understood that
just a few days had passed and that the pain and sorrow that he felt would be
fresh, raw. But
that was only a logical understanding.
At this point, he couldn’t see it easing, no
matter how much time passed. The events
of the past week had forever changed him.
And to think it had all started four days ago
with a phone call…
~~~
McGarrett
sat at his desk, trying to clear away the mountains of paperwork when the phone
shrilled. He absently picked it up. It was Duke Lukela. He only half listened to the Hawaiian
detective until he heard the word ‘hospital’.
‘What, Duke?’
‘Steve,
Danny’s been shot. Meet us at
Something
in the voice, in that last statement, sent fear surging through McGarrett. He raced to the hospital and then figured out
that he had been called
from there. He
demanded answers as to how Dan was but no one seemed willing to tell him
anything. Determining where Dan was, he
practically barged into the room and froze, stunned by the level of activity,
the surprising presence of the retired Doc Bergman but most of all the sheer
amount of blood that was practically spurting all over the room. At first, he couldn’t
tell if Danny was conscious or not but then his friend’s eyes found him. The desperation, terror and pain in them
rocked McGarrett but Dan’s words…
‘Doc…Steve
– get him out of here! Don’t – want –
him – in – here!’
Bergman
half-turned, saw McGarrett and motioned for someone to shove him out of the
room, as Dan became really agitated. ‘GET HIM OUT OF HERE! NOW!’
‘NEED A
CLAMP! GOT A BLEEDER AND
ITS GUSHING OVER HERE!’
the last words that McGarrett heard before he was
pushed into the hall….
~~~
‘Danny, do
you understand what’s going to happen?’
Bergman was quiet, nearly stoic in his tone,
but inside sorrow was already taking root.
‘Yeah, the
drugs…will…make…it…’
Bergman
realized that Dan could not finish the sentence but knew that he
understood. He also realized that he had
to broach the subject of McGarrett with Williams. ‘Danny, do you really want me to keep Steve
out? That might be difficult.’
Through
his drugged haze, Williams knew that it would be more difficult than the old
Doc could ever imagine. He also knew
that he really didn’t want to keep Steve away. More than ever, he felt like he needed him
around, close by for this. Steve was the
strongest person he knew and Danny needed to lean on that strength now. For this last time, he needed it. He tried to shake his head but wasn’t sure he could so he whispered. ‘No, it’s OK.
He can come in.’
Bergman
sighed in relief. He knew that after he
talked with McGarrett that he would not be able to keep him from this
room. ‘OK, I’ll be right back. How do you feel, Danny?’
‘Numb’
Bergman
patted his shoulder but couldn’t think of anything
else to say. He had briefly wondered if
explaining things to Steve would be harder than having to tell this man. He wished he had not been visiting at the hospital
when Williams had been brought in, had not been persuaded to work on him.
Deeply sighing, he walked out of the room to face the head of Five-O. He spied McGarrett with Lukela down the hall
and started to walk slowly towards them.
McGarrett spotted him and moved to meet him, trailed by the other
detective.
‘Doc?’
‘Gentlemen,
let’s move over here.’
The only thing the old doctor could think of was somehow postponing the
conversation.
‘How is
he?’
‘Steve…’
There were times when he had hated this part of being a doctor. But never could he
remember hating it as much as he did now.
‘Danny has an aunt, I believe right?’
McGarrett
nodded, totally perplexed as to why he was asking.
‘You need
to contact her, Steve. NOW.’
‘She lives
on the East Coast. And she’s not feeling
well either.’
Bergman sighed, knowing that there was no way the aunt would make it
cross country in time. ‘Is there anyone else listed as next of Kin? Anyone that
he is close to, that he would want to see...’
‘Why,
Doc? What aren’t you saying?’
Steve felt
like a fist had just punched him in the gut and then grabbed a hold of
him. Why did he NOT want to hear this
any more than Bergman appeared to be able to say it?
‘'Look
Steve, there was too much damage. We have done our best but at this point I doubt it's enough.
All we can do now is make him comfortable. Make sure he isn’t
in a lot of pain. It won’t be very
long.’
Immediately
he turned to Lukela as the rage bubbled. There was so much blood on Lukela’s shirt that he wondered if there was any left in
the wounded body in the other room. Intent
on giving his detective a verbal thrashing like never before for the failure to
keep Danny safe, he barely stopped when he saw the grief in plain sight on his
face. He knew that he had accepted what
McGarrett’s mind was still fighting.
Danno was going to die! As the realization of what was
said hit, Steve felt his legs give.
He was grateful for their close proximity to the wall as he sagged
against it.
‘Does he
know?’
‘Yeah –‘
‘I want – ‘ He stopped as he remembered Dan’s words when he had walked
into the room. He wanted, needed, to be
in there with him. But
Danno didn’t want him in there.
‘Dan said
he wants you in there.’ Although he didn’t mention any names, Bergman stared straight at
McGarrett before glancing at the other detective. ‘Both of you,’ he amended. Then he went on to explain that he had made
sure Dan was given potent painkillers. ‘He won’t feel a thing.’
Steve
suddenly doubted that he had the ability to actually walk
back into that room knowing what was going to happen in there.
Duke Lukela
carefully cleared his face of all expression and looked at Steve. ‘We can do this,’ he tried to
calmly declare.
"You
go ahead, I will be there in a minute"
Duke moved
towards the room and entered it without looking back at the boss. Steve found that he really couldn’t
get his legs to move towards that door, towards the inevitable tragedy he would
have to live through. A short time later
Doc Bergman, who had accompanied Duke into the room, came out.
‘Steve,
you better get in there.’
McGarrett
looked up, a vice like fear gripping his chest.
‘Danny
really wants to talk to you.’
Steve was
barely able to force himself to move towards the room. He pushed the door open and stood just inside
it. Duke was standing really close to
Danny, whispering something to him. He didn’t hear Dan’s response but saw his head barely nod. Then Duke quickly left the room, unable to
look at his boss.
Steve
stared in the general area around Dan but could not look at him. Finally, he realized that Dan was staring at
him. He would never understand how he
managed to walk up next to the bed. But he found himself face to face with his friend. Somehow, he managed to look at him and his mind
tried to memorize what he looked like at that moment.
Dan’s face
was stark white, except for the bluish tinge on his lips. His eyes were already sunken into his face
and he looked very tired. A brief grin
touched his lips as Steve stood next to him.
His lips parted.
‘My
turn…to – apologize.’
‘Danno...’
‘No,
Steve, I have to say this...The reason I didn't want you in the room was
because I didn't want you to see me like that.... I want you to remember other
stuff. ...working on cases... the nightly take-out meals...all of the
talks...Things other than...’ he paused then his voice catching in his throat a
little. It was as if
he was seeing the same things he was asking his friend to remember. ‘Not me full of tubes and covered in blood.’
McGarrett’s
voice was tight. ‘They took most of the
tubes out.’
He also
briefly noted that someone had tried to wipe up the blood.
‘Yeah -’
Dan’s voice was soft, a little breathless.
‘Danno –‘ Steve’s voice was in danger of failing. He could feel the knot move from his chest to
his throat. He needed to get out of
here. He couldn’t stay in the room. He couldn’t do
this. How could he say good bye when he couldn’t even admit that his friend was
dying?
‘Sounds…selfish…but I…really…need
you…right…now – can’t…do this…without…you.’
Steve’s
heart shattered at Dan’s words.
Despairingly, he realized that he only had a short time left with the
person who meant more to him than anything. He would hold it together for
Danny; later there would be time for him to fall apart. And he knew without
a doubt that once that happened he would crumble and might never recover.
‘Danno,
you won’t be alone. I’ll be here for as long as...’
He
stopped, unable to voice the awful outcome. Needing to get even closer to Dan,
he leaned down and lowered the rail, sitting next to him on the bed as he did
so. Absurdly he noted how aware he was of each movement that he made, how comical it seemed considering what was
happening.
As he
reached down to take Dan’s hand in his, the door opened and Doc Bergman
entered. He approached the other side of
Dan’s bed and asked him how he was.
‘kay –‘ was the slurred response.
Bergman
glanced at McGarrett and noticed the virtual death grip that Steve had on Dan’s
hand. ‘Are you in any pain, Danny?’
‘No –‘
‘Doc,
what…’
Before
Steve could finish his sentence, Bergman motioned him out into the hall. Suddenly, McGarrett did not want to leave Dan
but he had to get his one question answered.
Turning a little he noticed that Bergman had
already left the room. He leaned close to Dan’s face to make sure he had his
attention.
‘I’m going
out in the hall for a minute. I’ll be right back.
Don’t you go anywhere on me, OK?’
Dan barely
nodded his head in reply. ‘Yeah…’
Then he
stood and walked to the door, slipping quickly through it to the hall. Looking around, he noted that Duke was
nowhere in sight.
‘Steve? Do you need something to get through this?’
McGarrett
shook his head. He NEEDED this to be
nothing but a horrible nightmare. ‘I
need to know what’s going to happen –‘ He stammered
the last bit, ‘at the end…’
‘Well…hopefully
not much. With any luck, he’ll just close his eyes and go to sleep. If the pain shot wears off, I’ll give him more.
Other than that, he should get really drowsy
and, maybe, a little cold.’ Bergman’s
voice grew gruff as he spoke about what was to come – the only hint that he was as deeply disturbed by this event as the detectives
were.
‘Blanket –
we can keep him warm with blankets.’
Bergman
knew that McGarrett was stretching, grasping anything he could in an attempt to
avoid what was ultimately going to happen.
‘No,
Steve. There will be no way to keep him
warm.’ He placed his hands on the boss’
shoulders. Having known these detectives
as long as he had, he knew how badly this was going to affect all of them.
‘Look, I
know Danny wants you in there. But if
you can’t do this…’
‘I’m
fine.’
Bergman
knew better than to argue with Steve.
‘Duke said he’d be back in a bit.
Do you want him to be in there?’
‘If
he wants. It’s up to him.’
McGarrett’s
answers were brusque, almost to the point of rudeness. Bergman dismissed the tone, fully knowing
what this was doing to whom most referred to as the ‘man of steel’ because it
was assumed that he had an invulnerable heart.
The old doc shuddered inside as he thought about what this particular
event would do to the ‘man of steel’. McGarrett turned, needing to get back in
that room.
‘STEVE…’
‘It won’t
be that much longer.’
Steve
stopped but did not turn around. ‘I
know, Doc,’ he said tremulously before entering Danny's room and closing the
door.
Steve
avoided looking at Dan until after the door was closed. He hadn’t lied to
Bergman. His mind had acknowledged what
his heart could not. Danno was dying and
it was going to be very soon. Finally,
he looked up towards the bed. Sick,
cold, nervous fear filled him. Dan’s
eyes were closed and, to Steve, he appeared to be way too
still. Knowing that he should probably
call Bergman, Steve chose instead to move ever so slowly towards Dan. He didn’t want to
know, but he needed to know if… He was standing next to the bed when heard the
whisper.
‘Relax,
Steve, I’m still here.’
McGarrett’s
breath was audible as he sank down on the bed next to Dan,
his one hand coming to rest on Dan’s other side as he leaned close to his
friend. He couldn’t
even begin to comprehend neither the relief he felt nor the dread he had
experienced at the thought that Dan had died when he had left the room. He briefly noted that Dan’s voice seemed
stronger than it had been earlier.
‘Danno, there’s so much I never…’
Dan’s hand
slowly moved, coming to rest on Steve’s leg.
He patted it a little. ‘No, don’t – completely out of character for you so don’t start
admitting to emotional stuff now.’
‘But…’
Dan’s eyes
slowly opened. Steve couldn’t
help but notice that the vibrancy that always seemed to be there was gone. ‘No need.
We’ve always known anyway, right?’
McGarrett
nodded his head as he reached down and took Dan’s hand in both of his,
squeezing it. The horrible realization –
Danny’s fingers were already so cold. He
almost didn’t hear what Dan said.
‘If we
weren’t…friends…you never…would have…gotten away with that…punch, remember?’
‘I
remember.’ McGarrett’s voice was
choked. He watched Dan’s eyes slowly
close and felt the hand slip from his grasp.
‘Danno?’
McGarrett
leaned closer towards Williams, fear surging through him with the thought that
the end had come. His voice held a note
of pleading to it as if he was calling his friend back, begging him not to
leave yet. He wanted to ask him to not leave at
all. To let him know how much Steve
still needed him here. He silently cursed his inability to talk about his
feelings. Even now
he feared that despite what had been said, Danno would leave – die – without
ever knowing, without actually hearing how Steve truly felt about him.
He heard
Dan sigh. ‘It’s cold in here –‘
Steve’s
stare moved around the room. He couldn’t look at Williams.
If he did, he knew he’d completely lose the
control that he so highly valued. As it
was, he was afraid that all too soon he would completely fall apart. He knew he was trying to hold it together for
Dan, to not make this any harder on his friend than it
already was. He blinked rapidly to dismiss
the tears that were threatening to leak onto his face but nothing could stop
the buildup of grief that consumed his chest and made it nearly impossible to
breathe without wanting to sob. He did
not feel the hand that was again on his leg.
Was unaware of the voice he was usually so focused on as he tried to
hang on to his control.
‘Steve?’ Dan’s voice hitched a little. The weak stutter, a near gasp caught
McGarrett’s attention and his eyes moved to meet Williams’.
‘Danno,
are you in any pain?’ somehow he managed to whisper.
Doc had
promised him that his friend wouldn’t suffer. He had been clinging to that statement –
drawing a small bit of comfort from the knowledge that despite how badly he was
aching from this, the man, this little brother, who took up most of the room in
his heart would not be in any pain. To
think now that Danno might be hurting on top of…he could not even finish the
thought. Then he watched as Dan’s eyes
cleared and locked on his as if Dan was both taking strength from Steve and
giving it as well. He was finally aware
of the coldness of Dan’s hand penetrating the material of his pant leg. Automatically his hand covered Dan’s,
squeezing it tightly.
‘Danno –‘ his grief laden whisper.
Years of
memories, shared experiences and volumes of emotions passed in their locked
gaze. Nearly losing himself in the blue
eyes he knew he was most likely looking into for the final time, Steve realized
that Danny was not afraid of his impending death. True to character, true to their history, he
was more anxious over Steve’s reaction.
His heart constricting in emotional pain, Steve wished he could find a
way to assure his friend that he would survive this. His building grief and sudden inability to
hide his emotions from Dan made it impossible for him to lie. A part of him yearned to be able to freely tell Dan all he was feeling, to somehow convey how
much Dan meant to him.
Slowly
Danny looked away and his eyes traveled the room, briefly resting on the view
through the window. Steve watched the
expressions on his face, trying not to think about how he was seeing them for
the last time.
‘Duke?’
‘I think
he’s out in the hall, Danno. Do you want
me –’ He never finished the question because Dan shook his head.
‘Don’t
leave…not now.’ The unspoken sentence hung between, the
thought that their time was almost up.
‘…Just wish…I wasn’t…cold.’
Steve
could feel his walls, his defenses, the last of his
control shattering. But
this was Dan. This was
the cop who had evolved into the trusted second in command and heir
apparent. This was the
friend who had stood by his side for years. The man who had become his
little brother. He stood up and shifted
before sitting down again on the bed next to Dan. He very carefully got his arm around the
shoulders, pulling Danny close against him.
Heard him moan a little. Was unsure whether moving his friend was
causing him pain.
“I’ve got
you, Danno. I’ve got you…” He only
wished it was that simple. That he could find a way to hold his friend
here with him in this life just with the physical embrace. He knew if it were conceivable that he would
never let go.
‘Steve
– thanks…for everything.’ Dan leaned into him a
little more, relaxing into Steve’s hold.
McGarrett couldn’t answer. His
voice was choked too badly in his throat. His arms tightened imperceptibly around Dan
as grief and denial built to extreme levels inside of him. He felt, more than heard Dan’s last
shuddering breath. Then
felt him go completely still. He was unable to move, unable to
comprehend that this man was gone. He
lowered his chin to the top of Dan’s head and sat there not acknowledging the
tears that steadily made their way down his cheeks. He was barely aware of the heart monitor’s
steady ‘beeeeeppppp’ – further proof that this life
that was so precious to him was no more.
~~~
Back on the lanai,
Steve reflexively jumped before realizing that the noise he had heard had
simply been in his head. He slowly sank
back into the chair, knowing he had once again been replaying that awful
afternoon in his mind. He rubbed at his
eyes and sighed, wondering how he would get through the next day. Finally, he rose wearily. Maybe if he crowded his mind with other
things he’d be able to actually sleep.
Lying down he found his
mind traveling back through time. He
thought about all of the sublimely ridiculous, the deadly, the cunning and the
simply dumb criminals they had encountered over the years. He thought about all of the times their cases
had become personal whether because of the victim or the perpetrator. He found himself concentrating on all of the
times he had been in need of assistance whether it was actual aid or just
having someone there to listen or to talk with or to just be there. He could not begin to count the number of
times that Danno had been there for him.
The detective that had started out as the kid on the team, his second in
command and heir apparent, had become McGarrett’s right arm, the one who was
always by his side in a crisis whether it was professional or personal. Williams had been the one he could always
count on.
Thoughts of Cathi and her horrible murder filled his mind. His team had really come together for him
then – literally and figuratively. He
thought back to how Danno had made sure he was not alone after the murderer was caught. {episode - Man in a Steel Frame}
Understanding in a
way that only he could how McGarrett would feel, Williams had sat silently with
him for hours, just being there. He
remembered thinking about how he would tell Danno how much that had meant to
him once the raw ache of the murder had dulled a little. {fanfic/epilogue – Man of Steel} Had he ever taken the time to do that? Somehow, he doubted that he had. He fell asleep thinking of all of the things
he had meant to tell Williams but never got around to, always thinking there
would be time someday.
He was awake long
before the sun rose. Attempting to
inject routine back into his life, he dressed in jogging clothes and went out
to run. For a time, he enjoyed the early
morning of his island paradise not paying any attention to his route. When he finally did, he came to a grinding
halt. He could see Dan’s apartment
building in the distance. Falling back
on routine had led him to jog the route he had normally taken when his second
in command would join him for the run.
He abruptly turned back and walked home.
Once there, he made
some of the coffee he enjoyed and took the mug out to the lanai, thinking about
the woman he was joining soon for breakfast.
~~~
When he
had returned to the office that awful afternoon, he had taken it on himself to
call Clara Williams – Dan’s aunt. He
knew that the hospital, any of the staff or anyone else in HPD could have been
the ones to officially notify her, but the call was something he had to
do. He knew that Dan would have wanted
him to be the one, would have expected him to make the call in the same way
that Dan would have notified his sister had anything ever happened to him.
Dan had
mentioned to him that his aunt had not been feeling well but the voice on the
phone had sounded as cheerful and sprightly as he had remembered as she greeted
him and told him that she did remember him, after all, she wasn’t
THAT old. He smiled a little at her
words in spite of himself.
‘Mrs.
Williams, I’m calling because – well -- I’m afraid I have some bad news for
you.’
She had
grown quiet then, had known that the call was about Dan. But, trooper that
she was, she gave no immediate reaction that he could tell from the news. She agreed that she would fly to
“Steve?”
“Yes,
Lani?”
‘The
Governor’s on line one.”
It had
gone on. He had spoken to the Governor,
to John Manicote, to many others who needed to hear
the news and not read about it in the evening edition. He’d remained at the
Palace until late that evening, avoiding the newspapers, the reporters, and the
reality. When he did leave, he held in
his jacket pocket Clara Williams’ flight information. It would have been so easy to simply have
Duke or someone from HPD pick her up but again this
was something he felt like only he could do, another little duty that he knew
Danno would have expected.
~~~
McGarrett pulled his
mind back to the present, realizing that he needed to get ready and meet Mrs.
Williams. He hoped he still had the
inner fortitude to simply get through the day as he
felt that this might even be worse than the day before.
A short time later he pulled the
He remembered her
expression when she came off the airplane and saw him waiting for her. He knew there had been the hope that this had
been a horrible mistake and that Dan would be there. That hope had been visibly
crushed. It had been a little
awkward for them both. McGarrett had
felt as if she probably could have used a welcome embrace, an arm around her shoulders
in support. But
it wasn’t something he could have done.
His defenses, his walls were in place in an effort to ward off more
pain, more emotion. He already felt as if every drop of emotion he possessed had been drained from his body, as if he had cried every
tear ever created. After the previous
day’s events he could not handle anything else at the
moment – especially in public. She had
sensed that it seemed because her posture became straighter as she walked
beside him and chatted about mundane things.
He would have to make sure she was truly all right before she boarded
her return flight though. It was
something that he would have
expected…
She had spotted him
watching her then and waved him over.
Throughout the meal, he was amused by Clara’s
care taking. He didn’t
know what made her think he needed to be taken care of. He had survived quite nicely for many years
by himself. They didn’t
exactly dawdle over the meal, but he noticed that Clara seemed reluctant to
move on to the task awaiting them. He
could understand, as he was hesitant to even go to the
apartment much less pack it up. Finally,
he gently suggested that they leave and Clara agreed.
As they approached
the door, Clara commented that they had forgotten to get a key from the
manager. She appeared very preoccupied
with the idea of getting into it.
Finally, as they reached the door Steve simply pulled out his key chain.
“Oh, of
course. I should have known that Danny would have
given you a key.”
Steve opened the
apartment door and, remembering who he was with,
gestured for her to precede him. He
watched as, displaying a bravado he wasn’t sure was
real, she breezed in and jauntily declared she would handle the bedroom. She turned towards him.
“If that’s – Steve,
are you all right?”
He nodded quickly and
assured her that he was and that he would begin in this room. She turned then and left. McGarrett took several steps further inside
and closed the door behind him. Turning
around his eyes fell on kitchen area and he froze.
Memories assailed
him, more emotions than actual events.
Realizing he had to block them out if he was going to get through the
task, he leaned down and grabbed one of the boxes that had
been dropped off by the Lukelas, heading to
the bookcases. He sorted the items there
into several piles: items he knew Clara would want, items that could be given
away, items that one of Dan’s friends might have an interest in, and a few
items that he wanted to keep for himself. Pulling a stack of books out, he was going
through them when he saw a manila file folder in between them. Opening the folder told him where the
particular paper had disappeared to when it had vanished from his office. Reading it, he couldn’t
help but remember both the case and the events of the undercover
operation.
~~~
It had
seemed so simple when the federal agents had first approached him. He had hated lying to his men, lying to
Dan. But never
had he suspected that anything would go wrong, would force him to punch
Williams when he had cornered McGarrett in the alley. He had seen no other choice however when he
read the recognition in those eyes. Not
wanting Danny to blow his cover, McGarrett had reacted on gut instinct and done
the only thing he could think of – haul off and punch his friend in the
jaw. He knew he’d
never forget the shocked expressions on the faces of Lukela and Kelly, but
Danno…. He had walked into the interrogation room with the folder and paused,
staring hard at McGarrett. Steve had
flexed his hand a little in the bucket of ice that Duke had given him. The mixture of emotions that played briefly
over Williams’ face told McGarrett that he had reason to worry about what had
happened between the two of them and their future.
‘Hope you broke it.’ Williams sat on the edge of the table while
Duke laughed.
‘I’m sorry, Danno. It wasn’t the time or the place for
explanations.’
He had turned then to look at Dan’s face.
‘It hurt me more than it hurt you.’
Dan reached a hand up to his
jaw. ‘Oh no it didn’t,
Steve.’
{Episode – Short Walk on the
~~~
“Oh yes, it did,
aikane,” he whispered. Shaking his head,
trying to clear his mind of the memories, McGarrett turned towards the lanai
doors. He opened them and stepped
outside. Unbidden a piece of another
conversation, a very recent one came to mind.
‘If we weren’t…friends…you never…would have…gotten away with
that…punch, remember?’
‘I remember.’
So caught up was he in the memories he never heard the approaching footsteps.
“Steve.” The voice was a little sharp, but then she
had called to him several times. Finally
he slowly turned.
‘Yes, Clara?”
“I asked you if
everything was all right.”
He lied, as well as
he was able to considering this was Dan’s aunt.
After a brief staring match, the two finally went back to the task of
packing up Williams’ apartment. They were nearly done, working in the same room when he broached
the subject of why she had insisted on doing this awful task. She had simply told him that it made her feel
closer to Danny to be there. He had
accepted her answer. But
then she turned to him.
“There is one thing I
need to know. If you can, would you
please tell me?”
At his nod, she
continued.
“Before he died – oh
I know this sounds silly, but perhaps you can understand. Was he afraid or in pain? Did he know he was dying?”
McGarrett’s voice was
thick as he told her that he knew Danny had not been in any pain and that he
was pretty sure that Dan had not been afraid. Then he gruffly admitted that Dan had known
he was dying. She nodded her head and
seemed grateful for his answer. Her next
comment, though, surprised him.
“You were with him,
weren’t you?”
After several
minutes, Steve nodded his head in acknowledgment that she was right. He didn’t think he
could trust his voice then.
“I knew that you
would be. That you could never let him
die alone,” she stated simply. Then she
continued with her work although her hands shook just a little.
Steve’s emotions
reeled at her comment. He knew she had
only spoken the truth. That no matter
how much it had hurt him, and he felt as if the pain
was an endless void, he would never have let Danno die alone. Feeling the knot building again in his chest,
he knew that if he didn’t keep busy that he would lose
the tenuous control he had and break down.
Abruptly he turned away from Mrs. Williams, his movements
jerky as he continued to pack the rest of the room.
“I know we really
can’t settle anything until after Danny’s lawyer processes everything,
Steve. But…”
Her voice quavered
then. He turned and saw her staring at a
picture of herself with Danny. McGarrett
remembered the picture. He had taken it. He walked up next to her and quietly
suggested that she take the picture back with her, along with whatever else she
wanted from the apartment. Then before
she could argue he declared them done in the apartment and decided
they would leave. When she protested, he
said that between Duke, Dan’s other friends on HPD and
himself they could finish what needed to be done. Finally, she acquiesced but then asked if he wouldn’t mind taking her somewhere. He agreed without hesitation as he locked the
door and they headed towards the car.
“I’d like to go back
to the cemetery, Steve. Say goodbye
again without everyone else there.”
McGarrett’s pace
faltered. He wished it were anywhere but
there. But
determined to do what he thought he should
do, that was where he drove her. She
walked silently up to the grave by herself.
Steve couldn’t get any closer than a tree that he had parked
near. He just stood there staring. Clara wasn’t there
for long but when she walked back she stopped in front of him staring intently
at his face, not allowing him to look away.
She didn’t say a word though and after several
seconds he led her to the car.
He dropped Clara off
at her hotel and told her that if she needed anything that he would be at the
Palace. She nodded but did not say
much.
Arriving at the
Palace, Steve noted that the staff vehicles were all still there, along with
Dan’s LTD. He looked away quickly
concentrating on getting up the stairs and inside the building. Entering the office, he stopped by Lani’s
desk to pick up a pile of messages and forced himself to not
allow his eyes to gravitate towards the nearest office. Without a word, he entered his own office and
shut the door.
Flipping through his
messages, he found one from his attorney.
He hurriedly called him back, thinking there was a problem with the
favor he had asked a few days prior. He
found out that while his suspicions were correct, he was way off on the
reasons. He sat at his desk staring out
the closed door of the lanai as he tried to reconcile himself to the sheer
amount of faith that Dan had had in him.
His lawyer had just informed him that he was the executor of Dan’s will
as well as the beneficiary of two life insurance policies.
‘I’d rather have you here, Danno,’ he thought.
McGarrett remained in
the office late that evening. He fielded
several calls on his private line including a couple from Clara Williams and
one from the governor, who could barely conceal the concern he felt. He brushed the governor off telling him that
all was as well as it could be. He made arrangements to meet Clara at her hotel early the next
morning so that they would have time to talk before he drove her to the
airport. Shortly after that, he locked
up the offices and went home to sit on the lanai thinking, as always of late,
about how much his life had changed in the last week and how he would give
anything to change it back.
Later that night he again relived Dan’s death in his dreams. As always, it was the steady beep of the heart monitor that woke him, dragging him from the dream. He wondered if it was something he would never escape. He settled in a chair on the lanai as usual, listening to the peacefulness of the water. Finally, just before the sun was starting to rise he got dressed and went out to his car. He had not made a conscious decision as to where he was headed but pulling up to Ka’ena Point had seemed completely natural.
He parked the car and
walked a little. Ka’ena Point – the
place where Hawaiian legend said the soul departed the earth. The place where he had found Danno many times
when he needed space and solitude – things that McGarrett never seemed able to
give him because of his tendency to hover when he knew Williams was upset about
something. The place he now came to in
the hope of…what? Letting
Dan go? No, he never wanted to
lose the memories. Never
wanted to lose the impression that his friend had left on him. The raw pain? Yes, he could do without that, but only
that. Yet if losing the pain meant that
the memories would also leave then he knew he’d rather
also keep the pain.
He walked over to a
large boulder and sat on it, staring out at the ocean. How many times had they come out there
together so that one of them could think?
‘You know me too well.’ Dan had jokingly accused him of that
once. But
hadn’t Williams known him as well?
Finally, he glanced
at his watch and realized he needed to leave if he was going to get Clara to
the airport on time. As he got off the
boulder, he knew that he felt more at peace than he had over the last few
days. He hadn’t
experienced any kind of a miraculous healing – at least nothing obvious. His tumultuous emotions though were definitely more settled.
Clara was waiting for
him in the lobby of the hotel. She
insisted that they had plenty of time to get some coffee in the
restaurant. They sat in at the table in
silence for several minutes. Then –
“Let it go, Steve.”
He glanced sharply at
her.
“Let him go.
Danny wouldn’t want you do this to
yourself. Especially if you know that
this was something you couldn’t change.”
Suddenly unwilling to
continue the conversation, McGarrett insisted that they needed to leave for the
airport. As he walked through the
terminal with Clara, he was very aware of her studying him. Finally, she stopped him.
“He wouldn’t like
it. Knowing what this was doing to you,
Steve.”
She patted his arm
and then reached inside her purse. “I
debated on giving this to you or not. I
found this when I was packing his apartment. Now I don’t know what’s in it, but
I still debated.”
Her composure slipped
for a minute as she looked around the airport.
He knew she had been thinking of the other times that she had been here
when her nephew had met her and saw her off.
“Now I must go. Let me know if you or your lawyer
need me for anything, yes?”
They said good bye and she turned to continue towards the boarding
area on her own. McGarrett watched her
for a few minutes then lowered his gaze to the envelope she had handed
him. Instinctively he knew he had to be
alone when he read it.
Later that evening,
he walked the beach near his apartment. He’d been tempted several times to read the letter at the
Palace, but it just hadn’t seemed right to read it there with others
around. Realizing that now he was simply putting off the task he went back to his
apartment, grabbed the letter off his counter and went out to sit on the
lanai. He slit the envelope open and
withdrew several pages that were filled with Dan’s
bold definitive script.
Steve –
If you
are reading this, then I’m dead and you or someone
else found this while packing my apartment.
I tried to make sure this was not something that could be found during a
casual search so that is why I’m making these
assumptions.
First, I
don’t know how I died, but know that it was not your
fault. I hope it was quick though. I’d hate to linger a
while. We’ve
both seen that happen. I would not want
to go through that or put anyone I know through it. And I know how hard this probably is on you, whether it was
quick or slow.
Second,
how do I tell you how much your friendship has meant to me? You have been a
mentor, friend and more of a brother to me than anything else. Did you know
that when I started working for you, you scared me? I had heard all the stories
about how hard you were to please. I also thought that the last thing you
wanted was a young guy from the HPD on the team, much
less to end up being your second in command.
Guess I was wrong on that account.
Anyway,
for all that you’ve done for me, for all that you’ve
been to me – thank you. No matter what I
needed or did not think I needed, you were always there. There were times in my
life that I would never have made it through if not for you – like when I lost Jane.
Steve, maybe it's
vain but I’d like to think I helped you too. Even if it was
just to be your verbal sparring partner or to play devil’s advocate. You tend to keep things bottled up inside, aikane,
and that’s not healthy. I know how much you prefer to handle a crisis
by yourself. But
sometimes it just helps to have someone else there. Find someone to be there for you, Steve. Don’t let my death
destroy you…
McGarrett looked up from the papers, his eyes bright with
moisture that he fought to contain. ‘You
helped me, my friend. More than you’ll ever know, you did. And
there’s no way I could ever replace you – on the team or in my heart.’
His vision blurring
to where he could no longer make out the written words, Steve folded the letter
and placed it back in its envelope. He
knew he’d re-read the beginning again, probably over
and over. At some point, he hoped he’d be able to get through the entire letter. It had not been dated
so he had no clue when Danno wrote it.
He was unbelievably touched to know that it existed, honored to learn
that his friend had thought as much of him as he did. He sat there for several more minutes before
going back inside. His body and soul were exhausted to the point of collapse and he honestly
wished that the dreams would not return during the night.
The dreams returned again, but this time they brought comfort and
soothing memories. Instead of the heartbreaking reliving of Danny’s death, Steve found himself dreaming about amusing
instances, the fun, away from the office times they had spent together and the
tenderly understated sorrow filled times when one had been there for the
other.
When he awoke before
the sun the next morning it was with a sense of
finally having slept. He knew he had
dreamed again but could not recall any details.
For the first time in a couple of weeks, there was the feeling that he
could go on, that he would survive this.
He put off jogging to instead dress and head out the door. There was something more important that he
had to do. He stopped and picked up a lei from a street vendor and then drove on.
The black Mercury came
to a halt and the engine was immediately silenced. However, for several minutes the driver
remained inside the vehicle. Finally,
the tall, dark-suited figure exited and turned to gaze over a small
incline. Then the door opened and he
exited the vehicle. Lei in hand, he
walked up the small hill to the grave that was no longer the newest one in the
area.
This time he stared down at the mound of dirt. His chin quivered briefly but then his jaw set in a familiar look. Images, memories filled his mind. He blinked back the tears. Crouching down, he placed the lei on the dirt.
“Aloha a hui hou aku, kaikaina,” he whispered as the sun broke over the horizon.