THE LONG WAY HOME

By AS

Rated -- PG -14

For emotional intensity

McGarrett was pacing restlessly through the office, frustration evident in his body language. It was an emotion that was prevalent throughout the entire office. Their current case, a joint operation with HPD, had every one who wore a badge on edge. One by one, for some unknown reason, someone was picking off police officers.

So far, they had been lucky. While five officers had been shot at, only two had been hit and neither of those had been serious. But everyone had a sense of foreboding about him or her, a fear that soon their luck would run out. Every officer whether in uniform or plainclothes was now carefully watching their surroundings everywhere they went. Most of the uniformed officers were now also wearing bulletproof vests beneath their shirts. The heightened anxiety made solving the case an even higher priority for all involved.

The detectives were now gathered in Steve’s office as they batted around ideas in an attempt to gain some direction on the case. After much discussion, Duke went to gather the reports on the five previous shootings and would then re-examine them in an attempt to find anything that might lead to a similar motive behind the attacks. Danny was about to leave to return to the general area of the last two shootings to look for any clue or piece of evidence that might have been missed. Steve had finally quit pacing and settled on the corner of his desk. He studied the back of the man who was leaving his office.

“Danno.”

The man stopped before he reached the door and turned around. Although he didn’t speak, the question on his face was easy to read. Steve paused for a few seconds, unsure of what he was trying to say. He shook his head as if changing his mind about why he had stopped his detective. Dan waited.

“Maybe you shouldn’t use the car radio out there.”

“Steve…”

“Using the radio – obvious sign of being a cop, Danno. If you need to call in, might be……why don’t you use a pay phone today?”

“Sure, Steve, see ya.”

Dan turned and left the office so the boss wouldn’t see the small grin on his face. As per the norm, Steve was worried about his detectives but did not want it to show. He had been this way since Chin was murdered while undercover a little over a year ago. Dan had hoped the boss, his friend, could let it go already. They were all aware of how dangerous their jobs were, expected to one day face death as they rounded a corner. He just wished Steve didn’t take their safety so personally and view it as his fault when one of them got hurt. But McGarrett had always seen his ability to keep them safe as a large part of his job. Sighing, Dan left the office, mind already on things he needed to be looking for.

**********

The morning passed with Steve trying to concentrate on the facts that were available on the sniper. He felt exceedingly jumpy. Though he couldn’t pinpoint the reason, it was as if he expected disaster to strike at any time. Duke had returned and was in the office with the boss going over the police reports when McGarrett’s direct line rang.

“McGarrett. Oh yeah, Danno, what did you find?”

On the other side of town, Dan stood in a phone booth about to tell Steve that if there was anything else out there on the sniper that he had not been able to find it. As he spoke, he could hear McGarrett deeply sigh. He felt that he had let Steve down. Part of his job was to always be there for Steve and to never fail him, at least that’s what Dan thought it was. Concern for his friend prompted Dan to apologize even though he knew this was truly out of his control.

“Sorry, Steve.”

Steve started to tell Dan that he didn’t need to apologize and to just come back to the office. Before he got the words out of his mouth, he thought he heard a grunt followed by a groan. Could he have also heard a loud pop in the background?

“Danno…?”

Silence met his call and McGarrett felt the nervous tension begin to flow. He thought he could hear breathing, but wasn’t positive.

“DAN!”

Duke looked up at the odd use of the first name and not the nickname that Steve traditionally used. He started to say something but changed his mind when he saw the odd mix of emotions on the face. Anxiety and fear were now mixed in with the tension that had been written on Steve’s face since the shootings had begun. The boss was rooted in place and appeared to be intently listening to whatever was being said on the other end of the phone.

“Danno, are you OK?”

McGarrett looked over to Duke. There was a haunted look in Steve’s eyes, as if he was now living his worst nightmare.

“Duke, do we know exactly where Danno was headed?”

Duke shook his head. They knew the general area of where he had been headed but Dan had not called in with any specific location until this phone call to Steve.

“Trace this call. NOW!”

Duke moved to the other phone to request the trace, not really sure what was going on. From the tone of Steve’s voice, he knew he probably didn’t want to know.

“Danno, can you hear me? Come on…Come on………answer me!”

He was practically shouting into the phone now. The tenseness in his voice belied the panic that was now on his face. Duke expected to see half of the staff come bursting into the office to see what was wrong any second now.

In the phone booth, Danny had barely heard the pop or the crack of the glass behind him. He felt the fire in his back, grunting as his body jerked and turned. He barely glanced down at the blood quickly soaking through the front of his shirt. He never heard the second pop, but the subsequent searing pain made him groan loudly. He fell against the pay phone. The only thing stopping him from sinking to the ground was catching his arm on the small counter. The phone slipped from his hand but remained near his ear on his shoulder. He heard Steve call to him twice but did not have the strength to grasp the phone.

“Ste…”

Even though it was more of a sound than an actual spoken word, somehow his voice was heard and understood on the other end of the phone.

“Yeah…yeah…I’m here, Danno. I’m here.”

Duke glanced up at the sudden difference in Steve’s tone. Just a few seconds prior, he had been nearly yelling, as he demanded an answer from Dan. Now his voice had dropped several decibels becoming a softer, almost intimate whisper as he replied to whatever had been said. Steve raised his eyes towards him.

‘Well?’ he mouthed.

“They’re still working on it, Steve.”

“Have cars and an ambulance ready to roll, Duke, as soon as you get an answer!”

“You think Danny got shot, Steve?”

“I know he did!”

Steve’s fist pounded on his desk in emphasis. He paced the small space between desk and chair, waiting. The phone was still glued to his ear as he tried to hear some kind of response from Dan. Duke grabbed pen and paper to scribble down an address. He then quickly ordered the ambulance & police to the cross streets he had been given and hung up the phone. He glanced at McGarrett and pointed towards the door, asking the boss if he was going to the address.

Dropping the phone away from his face a little, Steve shook his head. “I’m not leaving him, Duke. I’ll stay on the phone with him until you guys get there. HURRY!!”

Duke left the office at a near run, anxious to get down to the scene. He had to admit he was a little shocked that McGarrett hadn’t wanted to go but opted not to dwell on it. The sooner he got to the scene, the sooner he would be able to tell how bad it was. From the look on Steve’s face, he knew to expect the worst.

Once Duke had left the office, McGarrett sank in to his chair. Watching Duke go out that door and choosing to not go, to stay behind and stay on the phone was one of the hardest things he had ever done. His logic, his brain, told him to run out that door, but his emotions, his heart would not let him leave his friend. Was he sure? Should he have gone with Duke? No, he didn’t think so. Doing so would have left Dan all alone until they had gotten there. Although there had been almost no response from his friend since the groan, Steve knew he couldn’t just hang up that phone. God he could not believe this was happening! The feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach would not let him put the phone down, would not let him break his only connection with his friend. For once, he allowed his heart to control his actions instead of his need to always jump in to the center of the action. Dan had to know that they were on their way to get him; that all he had to do was to hold on for a little while longer.

“Danno…we’re on our way. Just hold on, OK?… Hold on.”

Steve’s voice was a little louder than earlier but not much. He knew he had to try to reach Dan, to get Danny to talk to him. A frantic, near primal need in Steve had to hear Dan’s voice, needed the reassurance that this desperate nightmare was not going to end with his losing his friend. He needed to know that his detective, his friend was all right. He kept his voice at a low whisper to convey that this was something that was just between him and Danny.

“Danno, I need you to talk to me…”

There was an agonizing wait to see if he had been heard. Just when he started to believe that Dan was unconscious, Steve barely heard his voice.

“Ste…Ste…ve…”

‘He’s going into shock!’ The thought jumped in Steve’s mind and he wondered how long it would take the officers and the ambulance to reach Dan. ‘God please, let him hang on till we can get to him. We can’t lose him!’

Steve paused for a second. That statement wasn’t entirely true. He couldn’t lose Dan! After Chin’s murder, after all the years that Dan had been his second in command, after all of the years that they had been friends, now that he was finally starting to realize how important his friends were to him – to lose the one who meant the most would be a blow that McGarrett knew he could not handle.

“Danno, where were you hit?”

“Back…..two…back”

Two shots in the back. McGarrett assumed that was what he meant. So much possible damage that could have been done. But at least Dan was still conscious and alive! He searched for something else to say, a way to keep Dan talking. His mind was jumbled. He had failed to protect his friend. He felt like he was about to fall apart. If he hadn’t told Dan to use a pay phone…

“Danno…”

His voice was choked with all the emotion he had never been able to express.

He knew he should apologize. He wanted to apologize. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t get the words out of his mouth. God, where was Duke? Why weren’t they there yet? He should have gone. He would have been there by now!

“St…Steve…”

His attention was brought back to the person on the other end of the phone.

“Yeah…”

“s….sor…ry….can’t…”

Dan’s voice faded off. Steve wasn’t sure if he was still conscious or not. He ran his hand over his face as the horror of what was happening washed over him again. He opened his mouth, intent on answering Dan, but no sound came out. Fear – an emotion he hardly ever faced. He had never allowed himself to acknowledge its existence. But it filled him now! Usually he was able to channel any kind of fear into anger and the anger would allow him to deal with what was happening, to change it so that the outcome was what he wanted. Not this time! THIS time all he could feel was fear – a deep heart wrenching fear that fate had a different outcome in store and he was powerless to change it. Steve sat there and listened to hitched, labored breathing that seemed to be slowing with each heartbeat.

“Dan…” Steve’s voice was barely a whisper. The knot in his throat seemed to be growing still larger. Indescribable grief was already filling his mind, his soul. The fear in the pit of stomach felt like lead.

NO! This could not be happening! He could not lose Danno - not like this! Not at all! Thoughts crowded his mind, things he needed to say to Dan, ways to keep him talking, to let him know that he was not alone, that Steve was still there with him even if it was just via the telephone.

“Danno, listen to me.” Good – his voice, though still choked, sounded a lot stronger than he felt. Maybe he could pass some of that strength on to Dan. He had always considered his strength, his tenacity to be an asset, had always known that he had an over abundance of it. Now he needed to have enough to get them both through this nightmare. Because Steve knew that if Dan did not survive this, he wouldn’t either. “You need to hold on. Duke is on his way there. So is an ambulance. I’ll meet you at the hospital, OK? I expect you to be able to talk to me when I get there, got it, bruddah!”

Steve resorted to giving orders simply because he knew of no other way to deal with this. He listened closely – trying to tell if his words had been heard or not. But there was nothing. No response, not even a grunt or some other sound to let him know that he had been heard.

Suddenly in the background he heard sirens screaming. He knew that Duke had arrived and hoped that the ambulance had too.

“Danno…they’re there. You made it. Everything’s going to be all right.”

His voice caught in his throat as the lump of emotion threatened to overwhelm him. McGarrett wasn’t sure at this point if he was trying to convince Dan or himself. He heard footsteps running towards the phone along with shouted instructions. Then there was a rustle and he heard Duke’s voice.

“Oh my God! Get the stretcher over here NOW!”

“Danny…Danny, it’s Duke. Can you hear me? Oh God – look at all of this blood on your shirt…”

Duke froze as he realized the phone was still off the hook and close by. Without a thought, he knew that Steve was still on the phone. He didn’t want the boss to know how sickened he was by the amount of blood. Nor did he want him to know how close to the heart the bullet hole appeared to Duke. He reached over Dan’s body and pulled the phone from his shoulder. At the same time, he pulled a handkerchief out from his pocket and gently wiped the sweat off of the unconscious face. He put the phone to his ear.

“Steve.”

“Duke, it’s about time! How is he? How bad does it look?”

“Steve, just…meet us at Queens. They’re taking him to Queens.” Duke paused. He was a little surprised that Steve hadn’t pushed for more detail about where Dan was shot. But maybe not asking was further proof of how rocked Steve was by this. He also knew that he needed to get out of the way so that Dan could be placed on the stretcher. He wondered briefly if Dan would even make it to the hospital. Duke attempted to convey his sense of urgency to McGarrett. “Steve, you better hurry.”

Steve was already standing up and reaching for his jacket. “Tell them Danno said he was shot twice in the back.”

Without waiting for a reply, McGarrett slammed the phone down & nearly ran out of the office. He was determined to get to the hospital before Dan did.

At the scene, Duke hurried to move out of the way but spoke briefly to the attendants. “Sounds like he was awake for a while. Steve McGarrett said that Danny said he was shot twice in the back.”

He noticed both attendants glance at each other. Intending on asking what that meant, he thought for a moment and then looked at the position that Dan was in. He had slumped down in the phone booth. A bullet in the back would not be a good thing. He watched as Dan was carefully loaded onto the stretcher and then followed it towards the ambulance before heading back to check on what new information had been found.

Steve easily beat the ambulance to the hospital. For a moment, he wished that old Doc Bergman were still around to call. Doc had understood the Five-O detectives and their little idiosyncrasies. He had understood McGarrett. Sure he had complained at times about being too busy with his own work to say ‘how high’ to McGarrett’s ‘Jump’ but also never failed to be available when something happened to one of the men. Steve sighed and sorely wished for the crusty old doctor’s presence this time.

A loud commotion outside indicated that the ambulance had finally arrived. As they hurried the stretcher in towards the trauma area, Steve jumped over and forced them to stop for a second. Stunned into near immobility, he stared at the unconscious form of his friend, his eyes temporarily glued to the shirt that was nearly completely soaked with blood. The realization of how serious this was again slammed into McGarrett. Almost of their own volition, his fingers brushed the side of Dan’s face.

“Hold on, Danno, just hold on,” he whispered.

Then the stretcher disappeared through the doors.

It seemed like an eternity before the stretcher was wheeled out and into a waiting elevator at a very brisk pace. The doctor following it moved to the nearest stairs and began to run up them. A second doctor had moved over to speak to the nurse at the desk. She in turn nodded towards McGarrett and the doctor moved over to him.

“Mr. McGarrett, my name is Dr. Malakai. Why don’t we go over here and have a seat so we can talk?”

Just as Steve was about to follow the doctor, the elevator doors opened & Duke practically ran out of them.

“Steve, any word on Danny?”

“We’re about to find out now. Doctor, this is Duke Lukela.”

Steve made the introductions more out of ingrained manners and a need for the doctor to not think that he needed to hide information from Duke than for any other reason. Duke and Steve each sat down and the doctor pulled a chair from the other side of the room in front of them.

“As you know, the officer was shot twice. Both bullets entered his back. The second bullet is of concern because it appears to be lodged in his spinal column. We are fairly sure that there is some permanent damage there -“

The doctor paused as he noticed McGarrett’s eyes shift away from him to focus on a wall across the room. He waited for a few minutes to give the man some time to process what he had just told him. When he saw the gaze redirected at him, he continued.

“However the damage done by the first bullet is of greater concern at the moment. It entered in the upper part of the back and exited out the front. While it moved through the body, it nicked part of the lung. There’s heavy bleeding into the chest cavity right now. We are operating to try to control that bleeding.”

“What about the other bullet?”

Duke’s voice was low, fearful. Having seen the look that had passed between the ambulance attendants, he thought he knew what the outcome would be with this shooting. Duke knew McGarrett didn’t have a clue. There was an emptiness to the expression on McGarrett’s face. Almost as if none of what was being said was actually sinking in. He wondered if the blankness would offer Steve the protection he would need to hear what Duke feared was about to be said.

“There is little we can do with that bullet. We won’t be sure about the extent of the damage for several hours. But if we try to remove it, we think it will cause additional more extensive damage. Our main concern for now is the harm done by the first bullet. We’ll have to take our chances with the second one and hope for minimal paralysis.”

Duke closed his eyes and sighed. It had been what he was expecting, what he feared, since arriving on the scene.

McGarrett’s body nearly convulsed as he tensed at the doctor’s words. His blank expression became one of intense shock and pain. PARALYSIS?! NO! His much valued self control fled. His arms and legs felt like rubber.

“NO – why can’t you take that bullet out while you’ve got him now?”

“Because we need to stop the bleeding and close him quickly. The longer we’ve got him in surgery the greater the risk for more serious complications.”

The look on McGarrett’s face changed again to one of anger, of incredulity.

“I would THINK paralysis would be serious!”

McGarrett was nearly over the edge. The doctor confined his responses to short clipped phrases. He realized that he had just delivered an awful blow to these two men. He had grown up on this island and, through media coverage, was well aware of the legend that surrounded Five-O and the man in front of him. He had a feeling that the victim was not just a co-worker of the two detectives but might be also a friend judging from their facial expressions. The Hawaiian detective was silent – shocked into muteness. The taller man, well known by nearly all in the islands as the haole hao, was trying to hold it together but appeared to be about ready to fall apart. The doctor knew that this man was the victim’s boss since all the members of the Five-O team had enjoyed their own share of press coverage throughout the years. Dr. Malakai guessed that McGarrett had most likely had something to do with the circumstances that led up to the detective, his patient, getting shot.

“Under normal circumstances, yes. However the more we go digging around inside of him the greater the chance that he would bleed to death during surgery. We would prefer to keep him alive and worry about the type of life he will have once we are sure he’ll live.”

Steve opened his mouth, but instantly shut it again. He did not have a comeback for the doctor. In the long run, if he had to choose between Dan being paralyzed or dying, he knew it really wasn’t a choice. Although he’d prefer neither, he’d take paralysis for now and hope for a miracle once he knew that Dan would live.

Duke and Steve remained in the waiting room for a long time. Neither man spoke, as they were too consumed with their own thoughts. Dr. Malakai made an effort to check on them a couple of times as he wound his way through the hospital, but he did not speak to them again. He had checked on the surgery, knew how it was progressing, and knew he would be present when the surgeon spoke with the detectives.

Duke’s wife, John Manicote and even the governor called the hospital a couple of times to check on Williams. All were given the same news. Duke spoke briefly to his wife, telling her what the doctor had told him. But McGarrett had categorically refused to speak to both John and the governor and Duke simply didn’t have the will left to take on that job so both men were given standard hospital updates.

The next day:

Duke and two officers from HPD were in McGarrett’s office, going over notes and reports on the sniper, looking for any type of lead to help them nail this maniac who had targeted the police. Duke and Steve did not want to be there. Steve had been moody and disturbed since he had come in that morning. Without asking, the staff had known that he had spent most of the evening at the hospital. This case was hard on them all, on every police officer. But what had happened yesterday afternoon had hit them all like a punch between the eyes, most of all McGarrett. Usually outwardly controlled, reserved, nearly emotionless, he was also fiercely protective of the people on his staff. When one of them was injured, they all took it bad but the boss took it worse than anyone did. He considered their injuries to be his personal failure to keep them safe. This time was the worst.

That was no surprise to any of them. Whenever something happened to Dan, he took that even worse than with any of the others. Steve had been drawn to Dan since the first day they had met. Offering him a spot on the team had seemed logical, but the friendship that had developed over the years that followed had been a welcome surprise.

Through the years, the two detectives had supported each other through many injuries, shootings and other tragedies including familial losses. They spent hours in the office together during normal working hours and long after the rest of the staff had gone home, sharing many an evening meal over whatever case they were currently working on. Theirs was a friendship that had been built on work but then had carried over to their rare off-hours as they also spent some of that time together as well. It was a friendship that was now the most solid and important relationship in McGarrett’s life – not that he ever stopped to think about it. It was simply there and Steve had always assumed it would be.

Dan had been shot because of the actions that McGarrett had thought would keep him safe. HPD had combed the surrounding area where Dan was shot looking for new clues but finding none. So McGarrett and Lukela were again going over the old reports, looking for something that might have been missed.

The intercom buzzing brought the three detectives out of their thoughts. The secretary told Steve that the hospital was calling.

“Yeah, Doc.”

“Mr. McGarrett, we have been unable to sufficiently control the bleeding caused by the first bullet and the situation here has taken a turn for the worse and…”

McGarrett listened in horror to the doctor on the other end of the phone. He was barely able to voice a response. Denial at what he had heard slamming down on his brain, he was barely able to hang up the phone. He clenched and unclenched the fingers in his hand before making a fist and slamming it down on his desk. The other occupants in the office looked at him in surprise.

“They had to take Danno back into surgery. Something about some bleeding that they couldn’t control. You …see what you can find. There has to be something out there that we’ve missed. I’ll be at the hospital.”

Before they could answer him, McGarrett was out the door to the office and headed to the hospital. Even though he knew that there was nothing he could do there but wait for the surgery to be over, he knew he needed to be there and not in the office.

Later that evening:

Steve stood near the window in the quiet, darkened room. His gaze appeared to be claimed by the view of the hospital parking lot. In actuality, he wasn’t really seeing anything. But his attention, his hearing, was fixed on the breathing of the person in the bed. Steve made a fist and gently pounded the wall – a mild expression of the frustration, anger and hurt that was bottled inside of him. He briefly thought back over his conversation with the team of doctors earlier in the day following the surgery. Each word, each sentence was indelibly imprinted on his memory, on his heart. Each word had stabbed him with its finality. The guilt he had felt over the past day escalated to immeasurable levels.

Slowly he stepped over to the chair next to the bed and sank in to it, bringing his hand up to cover his face. The doctor had said that the patient would be unconscious until sometime tomorrow. But yet McGarrett couldn’t leave, just in case.

The door to the room opened and he nearly jumped. Two doctors entered the room and one came to stand on the other side of the bed while the surgeon stopped at the foot and lifted the covers. McGarrett rose from his chair and watched carefully. It didn’t take long. The surgeon looked at his colleague and shook his head.

“I’m sorry. There’s nothing else I can do.” Without waiting for a reply, the surgeon left the room.

The other doctor stared at McGarrett as if he was waiting for some type of reaction. “He’ll be sedated until some time tomorrow morning. You should go home. Get some rest.”

McGarrett stared at a point just beyond the doctor. He nodded his head in agreement.

“Yeah, I’ll leave in a minute.”

The doctor nodded and turned towards the door, fully knowing that McGarrett would still be there the next time he came in to the room the same way he had prowled the hospital the night before. He thought about ordering him out of the room but knew that would do little good.

“Doc, does he know yet?”

He stopped at the door and turned to look at the Five-O chief. “I don’t think so. But I can’t be sure as to what happened in the ambulance.”

“I want to tell him. Understand?”

Dr. Malakai nodded and then left the room. He walked towards the nurses’ desk to advise the staff that McGarrett was most likely going to spend the night in the room with Williams. He was impressed by the extraordinary devotion he had seen in this detective for someone on his staff. He reminded the staff of his contact numbers and instructed them to call if it appeared that either detective needed something during the night. He would return early the next morning, as he wanted to be in the room when the patient awoke. He had a feeling that both of these men would require his presence tomorrow.

Steve sat down in the chair again after the doctors had left. This time he stared at the patient in the bed. He was still unconscious, blissfully unaware of what had been going on around him for most of the day. Tomorrow when he awoke he would learn soon enough how drastically his life had now changed. All because of the decision that McGarrett had made the day before. McGarrett would be the one to tell him. He wanted, needed to be the one no matter how much it was going to hurt. There was no way he was going to let anyone else convey the awful news.

“I owe you that much, Aikane,” he whispered.

He pulled his chair a little closer to the bed and settled in it a little more comfortably. He wasn’t leaving, hadn’t intended to even when he had told the doctor that he would. He glanced over at the man in the bed again. He reached over and placed his hand on top of his friend’s. Gradually his eyes closed as he thought about the dreaded news he would have to deliver to his friend in the morning.

*********

Steve sat at his desk, toying with the case folders that were neatly piled off to the side. He absently picked up two thinner folders that had been set in the center. Obviously, his second in command figured that these items required his immediate attention. Steve opened the first folder and read the first page. He slammed the folder closed and checked the other one. Finding both to be of the same nature, he dropped them back on his desk as if they were on fire. He rose quickly, slamming his chair back as he did so. His initial intention to lambaste his second in command, his friend, receded as quickly as it had exploded in his brain. For a time, he stood there, frozen in place, tapping his knuckles on the desk. His hand stilled for a few seconds. Then without warning, he swept everything from the top of his desk.

In the outer office, the secretary jumped at the sudden crash in the boss’ office. Before she could say a word, the unit’s second in command strode from his cubicle towards the closed door, stopping briefly to fill two mugs of coffee. He nudged the door open with his foot. Peering inside, he saw the boss bend down to pick up the two slim folders he had placed on the desk late last night.

“It’s time, Steve.”

Steve dropped the folders on his desk, shaking his head, unable to speak because of the tightening in his throat. He was so tired his body felt like Jell-O. Looking at the other detective, he realized suddenly how much he had aged. The strain of what they had gone through as a unit, as friends, was now beginning to take its toll.

“Steve, we need help. We can’t keep borrowing manpower from HPD. Chin’s been dead over a year and it’s been almost three months…”

“I know how long it’s been.”

Steve cut him off. He knew exactly how long it had been since that day. No matter how hard he tried to wipe it from his mind, the date burned there. At night his dreams forced him to relive the day and during the day, being in the office served as a constant reminder, a never-ending heartache.

The other man approached him and placed the coffee mug on the desk. Then he turned back toward the door. Before he left the office, he turned.

“You and I aren’t as young as we used to be. We need fresh blood. Someone to carry on in the footsteps you created. Think about it, Steve.”

McGarrett picked up the mug & turned toward the lanai. Leaning against the pillar, he stared unseeingly at paradise. He felt old and tired, had been feeling that way for the last twelve weeks or so. God, had it really been that long? Maybe living in the middle of it made it seem like almost no time at all had passed. By the sheer force of determination, he willed the awful memories away, making an effort, instead, to crowd his mind with happier ones.

McGarrett thought back to the various men that had passed through the offices as detectives over the years. There had been Kono, Ben, Chin (one of the originals) and Duke, his old friend who had been a Sgt. with HPD and seemed to be on permanent loan to the unit until he finally joined the team after Ben left. Unbidden, nearly unwanted his thoughts turned to his other friend, the one who, it seemed, had always been his second in command.

When he had first met Officer Williams, McGarrett had trouble believing that the young man in front of him was anything more than a rookie cop, much less one of the top marksmen of HPD. He found himself borrowing the officer to work with Five O several times after that and was impressed with the natural investigative skills Williams possessed. Inviting him to join the team had seemed like a natural move. Steve had to struggle to hide his mirth at the shocked silence his invitation had been met with. He had begun to think that very little could silence the opinionated young man.

“Danno…” the whisper escaped his lips without a thought.

He turned his head so that he faced the pillar he’d been leaning on. McGarrett knew he had reached the dreaded point where he would have to begin to deal with what had happened. The vengeance that had sustained him for some time was now unnecessary. The papers he had received from Manicote the other day detailed the charges that would be brought against the man he had personally tracked down and arrested. All that was left now was the every day details of running the state police unit and dealing with the emotions he had hoped to bury instead of face. He wasn’t sure he was capable of either one.

He walked slowly back into his office and spent several minutes putting his desk back in order, picking up the items he had flung to the floor. He closed the lanai doors and prepared to leave. His heart and mind were not committed to accomplishing anything today. There had been little he had wanted to do of late and he had given in to his desire to not even go into the office many days. There was only one place where he spent most of his waking hours and many of the sleeping ones even though being there saddened him to the very core of his being. He left his office, shutting the door behind him, and turned to

give some last instructions to the secretary. She nodded, fully knowing that the boss was leaving early and already aware of where he could be reached.

Steve turned and his eyes were drawn to the cubicle closest to his office. The cold bareness of the area settled heavily on him and he stared at it, his mind’s eye picturing the way it used to look. Pure will power enabled him to pull his gaze away from the space and walk to the only other occupied cubicle in the office. He paused in the doorway, momentarily upset with himself for yet again leaving his second in command to finish the reports of their latest case.

“I’m headed out, but if you need me I’ll be at the…”

He didn’t need to finish the thought. The man at the desk waved his hand in acknowledgment, fully knowing where to find his boss for the remainder of the day. He looked at Steve for a minute before speaking. Briefly he thought about mentioning several points but decided against doing so. The look on Steve’s face told him that much of what he would have pointed out was becoming all to clear on its own.

“Say hi to Danny for me,” he simply said. “Tell him I’ll stop by later.”

McGarrett could only nod as he tried to swallow the building lump in his throat. There were so many other things he knew he should say, but the only words he was able to choke out were “I will, Duke.”

**********

As he drove out to Aina Haina, Steve thought back to those awful days at Queens immediately following the second emergency operation. He had nearly haunted the hospital the first few days afterwards. Danny had remained sedated until the afternoon after the surgery. When he awoke, he had done so very sluggishly. Steve had all but become severely worried and was gratified that he was returning to consciousness. The doctor had advised breaking the news to Dan as soon as he was awake but Steve chose to wait a while and give him a chance to actually become oriented before he brought up the subject.

He remembered how upset Dan had been as he awoke. Steve had tried to calm him. He had leaned over his friend and pressed both hands to his shoulders until he saw the hazy blue eyes clear a little. He remembered the way Dan’s eyes had locked onto his. He shuddered as, through the strength of their bond, he saw and felt Dan’s reactions as the shooting replayed itself in his memory. He had squeezed the shoulders beneath his hands and tried to return Dan’s stare with a level, confident one of his own. It had practically been his undoing. Finally he felt the body relax under his grip.

He had spoken to his friend; had asked him how he felt; told him about the surgeries on his chest. Somehow he had even managed to smile a little when Dan replied that he now knew why he felt like his chest had been removed; turned inside out and then put back in his body. He had told him how glad he was that Dan was awake. He wanted to tell him how worried he had been but, as usual, found great difficulty in expressing his feelings. Dan had known that something was still wrong.

“What is it? What are you trying to avoid telling me?” Dan had asked. His speech was slow, as he was still fighting off the powerful sedatives.

For one of the only times in his life, McGarrett attempted to hedge on the truth, on its seriousness. His friend didn’t accept it. He had sighed.

“Must be pretty bad if you are attempting to not say something straight out. Come on, Steve, what is it?”

Slowly, Steve sank down onto the bed, next to Dan. For a few minutes, McGarrett stared at Williams. He thought about what this man had come to mean to him over the years. He thought about how he would practically be willing to sell his soul to avoid what he had to do. Unconsciously, Steve’s leg had brushed the side of Dan’s when he sat next to him. He never gave it a second thought, until he realized there was fear on his friend’s face. He followed the gaze and saw what Dan was staring at. Cursing himself silently for his mental lapse, Steve tried to casually slide his leg away from Dan’s.

“No! Do that again, Steve!”

Cognizant that the truth was nearly out, McGarrett ignored the request and inched forwards a little. Dan’s eyes remained glued to where Steve’s leg had brushed his. Intently staring at his friend, Steve saw his breathing quicken, the eyes dart around and panic fill the expressive face. Realizing that there would be no opportunity to sugar coat the awful news, he felt his chest tighten.

“Hey Danno,” he whispered.

It broke his heart to watch the tumultuous emotions playing out on Dan’s face – shock, grief and a fear that was quickly turning to panic. Dan’s blue eyes finally rose to meet Steve’s. He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out.

McGarrett shuddered and forced himself back to reality. He pulled the car off to the side of the road to gather his thoughts. That memory had been so real that he could have sworn he was back in the hospital with Dan. Regaining his composure, he turned the car back on to the road and continued to the beach house.

***********

Danny sat out on the lanai, thoughtfully watching the man jogging on the beach. He had realized several days ago that Steve was using this place to hide from Five-O, from his responsibilities, from guilt. He appeared to have been successful at all but the guilt. Dan could see it in his eyes whenever he looked at him. There was a haunted expression in them, a never-ending grief. No matter what was said, no matter how many times Williams had asked, McGarrett could not forget the shooting, could not stop blaming himself for something he had no control over.

Williams hated to see the slow destruction of his former boss, his friend, and the strongest person he had ever known. For days he had tried to come up with a way to help his friend. He had only been able to come up with one idea – an idea so repulsive he wouldn’t even consider it. But it seemed to be the only way. Steve could not go on like this.

He heard the door slam. He had to think of Steve, put him first, the same way Steve had put him first these last several months. He had no other options, but God this was going to hurt them both so terribly.

“Danno-“ the loud call from inside the house.

“Out here, Steve.”

McGarrett walked out onto the lanai, still dressed in his jogging suit. He carried a tall glass of juice in one hand and a mug of strong coffee in the other. He handed the coffee to Dan.

“Shouldn’t you be on your way to the Palace?”

Dan swallowed down the nervousness building inside him. He did not want to do this. He sorely wished there were another way. He feared that he was about to take a step that would cause irrevocable damage to the best relationship, the best friendship he had ever known, the strongest support he had ever felt. Their bond had been the commodity that had sustained and supported him for nearly a dozen years. He didn’t know how he’d be able to deal with life after he slammed this door shut.

McGarrett shook his head, a slight grin on his face. “Thought I’d play hooky today. In the mood for some company?”

Steve glanced at his friend and the grin quickly faded. There was something different there – sadness that he couldn’t quite identify. It was almost as if Dan had just lost his best friend.

‘But I’m standing right here with him. And I’ll always be here with him,’ McGarrett rather smugly thought.

For a brief minute, their eyes met. McGarrett knew something was wrong with Williams. The look in Dan’s eyes spoke of a grief that Steve could not place, was unable to trace the source of, but he knew he’d spend the rest of the day, hell – the rest of the week, if necessary, working it out with Dan.

Dan saw the look of support and understanding in the ice blue eyes. He cursed the fact that McGarrett could always read him so easily. Somehow, he would have to rein in his emotions if he were going to get through this, if this had any chance of working. Convincing himself that this was the best thing he could do for Steve, Dan looked away. He shook his head.

“No, as a matter of fact, I think you’ve been hanging around here too much lately and you need to go to the office. You DO have a job to do, you know?”

Amusement flickered on Steve’s face.

“Besides, I’ve got enough to deal with as it is, without you always hanging around reminding me…”

Dan paused as he heard the soft gasp. He wasn’t sure now that he was really going to be able to do this.

“Reminding you of what, Danno?”

He attempted to shut off his raging emotions before he answered. In the long run, this would be best for Steve, no matter how much it hurt them both now.

“What was, what can never be again. Thanks to this!” He gestured at the wheelchair as he glanced over. The guilt he saw on the other face was just too much. He saw Steve take a half step forward and knew that if he was going to do this, he had to do it quickly.

“You know, if it wasn’t for using that pay phone that day, things would be so different now. But obeying orders, listening to you, that was my job, now wasn’t it?”

McGarrett closed his eyes. He had known these emotions would eventually surface, had been waiting for them, but the knowledge did not make this any easier. Still, he felt that the emotional purge would be good for his friend and then they could talk about it. There was no way he was going near the Palace today. With these issues finally coming to the forefront, he would remain rooted at the beach house helping his friend, helping the both of them, finally come to terms with the shooting. They would have the rest of the day to deal with this together.

“Danno…”

Williams turned away. He had to finish this now. Doing this hurt worse than he had thought it would and he knew it was going to hurt pretty badly. Besides he was losing his nerve, his knowledge – his firm belief - that this was what he needed to do. He fixed his gaze on his lap. He couldn’t let Steve see his face. McGarrett would know that he didn’t mean what he was saying if he did. Also Dan knew this way he couldn’t see the emotions building in Steve’s eyes, the hurt that he knew was hidden there. If he saw the hurt he was causing, he knew he would not be able to take this final step, make the final stab in the wounds he was causing in Steve, kick the door shut on the friendship he knew he could not live with losing.

“Now you’re out here all the time. Constantly reminding me of what I can never do again.” He spoke in quick fragmented sentences. He had to spark the anger that would push his friend to move, carry him out the door and away. “What’s done is done, Steve. It happened, all pau, move on. But no. Can’t deal, can’t move on with you always here, always being so devoted. Blame, devotion – never knew they were synonymous, that one could cause the other. But I guess it can when you know that something is your fault…”

“Danno…” Steve’s voice was tight, choked.

“JUST GET OUT ALREADY, WOULD YOU?! GO BACK TO YOUR LIFE! GO USE YOUR LEGS LIKE YOU STILL CAN! AND LET ME LIVE THE LIFE I’VE GOT LEFT IN THIS THING – WITHOUT YOU UNDERFOOT – FEELING SO SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND FOR ME”

“Dan!”

He could hear that Steve’s voice had a hint of anger to it. He was almost there. One more push was all he needed to do.

“LEAVE ALREADY, WOULD YOU? DO YOUR PENANCE ELSEWHERE, STEVE!”

Steve’s anger escalated and he pushed himself away from the lanai railing. Before he could say a word to his friend though –

“I’M SICK OF HAVING TO CONSTANTLY DEAL WITH YOU AROUND – KNOWING WHAT THIS HAS LEFT ME WITH. KNOWING IF I HADN’T DONE WHAT YOU WANTED…” He paused, not wanting to push as far as he was pushing, not wanting to cause even more pain than he already had. God he hated himself for hurting Steve as badly as he was! “Just get out of my life, Steve. GO!”

At the final demand, McGarrett slammed the glass down on the railing, not even noticing it break, as his face closed off into a cold, emotionless mask. On the inside, he felt like he was falling apart. He tried to shut the door on the raging emotions inside him. He’d deal with this later, for now – no more. He turned and went inside. He did not look back.

After a few minutes, the front door slammed. In the distance, on the other side of the house, a car door slammed. Several minutes passed then finally the sound of a car’s engine starting, and then driving away.

As the front door slammed, Dan threw his head back against the chair. He stared unseeingly at the sky. It was over. Somehow, he had managed to get through it and, he thought, succeeded. The dull ache that had been in his chest since he had decided this was the only thing he could do to help McGarrett exploded into a mountain of grief and agony. Tears ran unacknowledged down his cheeks. He looked at the coffee mug in his hand and flung it against the wall. Hearing the shattering of the china, he equated the broken mug to the agony and the emptiness he felt in his heart and the pain he knew Steve was feeling. If only there had been another way…

McGarrett sat in the car for a while before starting the engine. His whole body was shaking from emotions that he fought to rein in and control. Anger burned in his gut and filled his mind. Part of him wanted, needed to go back into the house and confront his friend, this errant kid brother. To yell back and refute what had been said. But hadn’t Dan simply echoed what the shooter had said when McGarrett and Lukela had finally arrested him?