Life Is a Risk To Be Lived.

By Trish

The slow, steady beep of the small, green blip was almost hypnotizing as it danced across the heart monitor that sat above the bed. Steve McGarrett sat watching it in the dim light; his fingers resting lightly on the wrist of the motionless man in the bed, needing the reassurance of the steady beat drumming through his skin.

His eyes dropped away from the monitor and he studied the man in the bed. Even in the soft illumination of the dim light, Danny still looked extremely weak and pale, too pale. His eyes appeared sunken with dark shadows surrounding them; the face was washed of all color. The after effects of shock and trauma gave the young man the appearance that he was closer to death than life. McGarrett shivered at the memory of how close Danno had come to dying on that cold floor earlier as his eyes traveled lower to the dressings that peaked above the folded sheet. The clean surgical dressings that covered the now neatly stitched bullet wound in Danno’s stomach were a stark contrast to the memory of the ragged hole in the bloodied, blue shirt he had seen only hours before. (Episode-King of the Hill)

The doctors had reassured him that Danny would make a full recovery, although it would take a little time. Abdominal wounds were nothing to trivialize and a wound that had been left untreated as long as Danno’s had been would likely cause serious complications in the young man’s recovery. Blood loss and infection were just some of the obstacles Danny had to overcome; the memories of being held hostage while wounded by the disturbed marine with no medical attention would be the hardest. The dark haired detective sighed. He knew his own memories of this day would haunt his dreams for days to come but the guilt he felt would remain with him for much longer. He was the one who had been responsible for Danno being placed in the danger that he had been placed in today.

Lightly squeezing the arm he held, McGarrett blinked back the tears that threatened to fall as he swallowed back a sob and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Danno. This is all my fault! I never meant for this to happen, Aikane; I only wanted to keep you safe.”

The expressive face McGarrett knew so well remained impassive and still, seemingly as if the unresponsive man was waiting for an explanation of why he had been placed into the unseen, almost unimaginable danger by his closest friend and boss. It was an explanation Steve knew that he owed his second-in-command. – NO! It was an apology and explanation he owed the man he’d come to regard as closer than just his best friend, the man he considered as his kaikaina- his little brother. Rising from his seat, McGarrett lowered the bedside rail and sat on the edge of the bed so he could be nearer to his friend while he pleaded for Danno’s understanding. His culpability for what had happened today was two-fold, not only by placing Danny in danger but also in taking so long to rescue him. He drew in a shaky breath as he tried to ignore the tight knot of fear that had formed in his chest that this time the younger man would not believe what he had to say and not forgive what he had done.

Gently picking up the lax hand, being careful not to disturb the inserted IV, McGarrett studied Danny’s face as he worked up his courage. He licked dry lips before he began. “Danno, I only wanted to keep you safe. That’s why I said no more surfing the big waves when I offered you the position as my second.” He paused nearly losing his nerve. “Truth - I never wanted to experience the fear that I felt that day when the hospital had contacted me and told me you had been injured on your day off. I have never felt so scared -so angry - when I found out what you had been doing!”

McGarrett paused again and closed his eyes as he relived that memory of that day several weeks before. (fanfic- Enough Risks With The Job) His voice quivered and cracked with the emotion he was feeling as he forced himself to continue. “I had warned you several times before, my friend, about you taking the insane risks of surfing the big waves on the Pipe, fearing that one day I would receive that call. I felt physically ill when Kono told me about the wipeout. Do you even realize how close you came to dying that day?” Steve hissed through clenched teeth.

Danny’s face remained unemotional as Steve wiped away the tears that trickled down the side of his face and struggled to regain control of his ragged emotions. He swallowed again and forced down the anger that still lingered at Dan for taking such insane risks with his own safety. “You were almost killed that day. It was a day I never wanted to have replayed not in the near or distant future. I wanted to ensure that it would never happen again. We have enough risks with the job without you searching for more on your days off. That’s the reason why I placed the condition on your acceptance of Second-In-Command. I thought that if I could stop you from surfing the Pipe and have you coach a Little League baseball team then you would be safe. No more of you taking insane risks for me to worry about. It was selfish, I know, but I did it for you. – No, I did it for us!” Steve confessed softly.

“Today…today when I received that phone call telling me that you had been shot and were being held hostage…”

McGarrett’s voice trailed of as he looked up and stared at the small regular blips that fluttered across the small screen of the heart monitor, trying to reassure himself that his greatest fear had not occurred. He shook his head and looked away, unable to speak for several minutes as he tried to slow the panicked beating of his heart, the memory still too raw, too painful to talk about.

He forced himself to focus on the patient in the bed. “Today…when I received that call, it was like living that nightmare all over again, except worse. This time, Danno, it was my fault you were fighting for your life. I was the one who was responsible for you having to take the risk, not you. I was the one who made you the coach of the baseball team.

If it weren’t for me you would have never been present when Corporal Austin asked to join in with practice with the boys. If it weren’t for me, you would never have felt responsible when the bat injured him and you would not have accompanied him to the hospital. I am the one that placed you in that hospital room when Austin grabbed the gun and started shooting. I am also the one ultimately responsible for you being shot and held hostage. If I had let you continue to surf, you would not have been at that baseball field today and none of this would have happened!”

Aware that he was rambling, McGarrett found that he could not stop. The responsibility he felt over what had happen was too great, too deep to allow him to ignore it. He had been the one to unwittingly place Dan in danger because of his own need to protect him. He needed to confess all to his closest friend and hope that one day Danny would find it in his heart to forgive him because he knew he would never be able to forgive himself.

He rushed on, no longer able to look at his kaikaina, instead focusing on the white wall above the bed as the tears streamed down his face. “Then it took so long to get you out of that room. I knew that you were hurting, possibly bleeding to death. I knew each minute wasted brought you a minute closer to death but everything seemed to be stacked against us, my friend. I could not find a plan that would work. I wanted to rush that corridor myself to get you out. I would have done anything to have gotten you out, Aikane, even teargas but I had to consider the other patients’ safety at the risk of your life while I tried to come up with the best solution. I was terrified after when I managed to get into that room, scared that I would lose you before I could get you help! I had to wait till the drug knocked Austin out before I could even get the doctors into the room to treat you. It took so long, too long, I’m sorry, Aikane!”

A light squeeze from the hand he held startled him and he looked down into the tired blue eyes he knew so well.

“Not…your…fault!” Danny whispered softly as he tried to squeeze the hand that held his tighter. “Don’t…don’t blame…yourself, Steve…Not your…fault! Life…life…is...a risk…to be lived….” Danny smiled weakly. “Without the…risks… how else…can I …turn your…hair gray!” He breathed in a soft sigh as he lost his battle to stay awake.

Steve McGarrett remained on the edge of the bed, staring down at his friend. The guilt that had weighed down his soul lifted at the wisdom of Danny’s whispered words. Life was a risk to be lived and no matter how hard he would always try to protect his kaikaina, Danno would always live his life to the fullest. Wiping away the tears, McGarrett quietly decided that maybe a good black hair dye would need to be kept in his bathroom cabinet!

PAU